Waiting For Your Child (When You're Pregnant/When You're Adopting)

My friend, and adoptive Mom, Sheila, has written text below on her blog and allowed me to share it here on my blog as it truly depicts how some - or maybe most - of us adoptive mothers feel, especially if we have children whom we gave birth to and are comparing the two different, but in many ways, similar journeys of motherhood, whether by pregnancy or adoption. I have now experienced both (still in the process of waiting for a referral: the picture and medical report you get of your child) and even though the words below are not my own, they are pretty much how I feel when I compare the journey of motherhood through pregnancy and the journey of motherhood through adoption.

*Meine Lieben, unten hab ich ein Artikel, das eine Bekannte von mir geschrieben hat, 'geborgt'. Es beschreibt den Unterschied zwischen Warten auf Dein Kind wenn du schwanger bist und warten auf Dein Kind wenn du adoptierst. Es is zu viel zum uebersetzen, aber wenn wir mal wieder im Skype stundenlang sprechen, kann ich es Dir, Mama, uebersetzen, ok. Viele puesserdlis, und ich hab Euch lieb und vermisse Euch.

"Being pregnant sucks. It is hard especially if like me, you add an extra 60lbs. to a 115lb frame. My feet hurt, my knees hurt, my back hurts. Delivery is a pain, pun intended. I will not even go into the details of a fourth degree tear and a bruised tail bone.Boy, those moms who adopt have it easy. You can drink like a fish, stay up as late as you choose with out paying double the next day, heck, you can sleep on your stomach every night of the year. You don't need a new over sized wardrobe or one of those little donuts to sit on for a month after your baby comes home.

Why doesn't everyone just skip the whole pregnancy thing and adopt? Well, there is a reason. It is a secret we in the adoption world know: Waiting to adopt sucks. It is hard, especially if like me, you add an extra 60lbs of stress to a 115lb frame. Your head hurts, your neck hurts, your shoulders hurt. Waiting is a pain, pun intended. I will not even go into the details of a torn and bruised heart.

There is no forgetting you are pregnant. Your body reminds you of it everyday. But there is a plus to all that. Knowing you are with child means you know where the child is. He is there with you, all day long as you walk around with an aching back and all night as you toss and turn trying to get comfortable.All you have to do is reach down and touch your skin stretched stomach. You can't see him, but you know he is there: listening, growing, waiting to emerge into the light of your life. He is 100% in your care.

Adoption doesn't provide such comfort. For the longest time, you just wait. You have nothing to hold on to except the knowledge that you are in the pipeline moving closer day by day to the top of the list. You can't even count the calendar as your friend. There is no 42 week guarantee with adoption. They say two months, then it becomes four, then it is a year and counting. It is like giving birth to an elephant. And that doesn't even count the months needed to prepare everything to get your spot in line [waiting line for a referral].

Then you get your referral and a bit of the weight comes off. You have a picture, a name, a small bit of history. You can't reach out and touch anything real, but you hold your photo close and say the name in your prayers. You have a face in your dreams but not within your reach. Your child is 100% dependent on someone else for his care. You pray he is being held, fed, comforted when he cries. But you don't know. You just don't know, for he isn't there, with you. He is far away across the sea.

The joke is told that if men had babies, everyone would just have one. It is true that the pain of being pregnant and the agony of delivery is all but forgotten in a very short time for us mothers. Strange how we will never forget the smallest slight to our children by another, but the incredible pain of bringing him into the world floats away like a bad dream in the morning sunlight. The love in our heart leaves no room for anything else.

This too happens in the world of adoption. The time finally comes, you pack your bags and travel half way across the globe to meet your child. You bring him home and realize a few weeks later that your shoulders are no longer stuck to your ears. There will be stress filled days and nights to be sure, but the incredible anxiety of bringing him into your world floats away like a bad dream in the morning sunlight. Your heart is too filled with love to leave room for anything else.

When you become pregnant, you know, God willing, you will have a beautiful child in your life in the not too distant future...

When you choose to adopt, you know, God willing, you will have a beautiful child in your life in the not too distant future...

And the not too distant future becomes the not too distant past, and you can't remember your life before he came..."